Dukes: Blizzards, Duke and MSNBC

Dukes Bar is located at 700 Michigan
St. SE in Grand Rapids, MI

With the most recent round of winter weather. Wait, you’re telling me winter doesn’t start till December 23? Who says? Scientists? Well, scientists are wrong.

With this week’s winter-like weather, and with nobody to freeze underneath a blanket with, I braved the conditions and set out for another night of drinking—and trying to stay warm.

Luckily, I do not live to far from Duke’s, located here, and was able to put on my boots and slowly waddle to the bar for a burger and beer.

Dukes is probably in last place in Grand Rapids’ Michigan St. bar power rankings. (If such rankings existed—note to self: make rankings).

The bar doesn’t get as much foot traffic as Birch Lodge or Logan’s, and doesn’t have that down-to-earth feel of Bob’s Sports Bar.

Nonetheless, I was able to find a spot at the bar, which sits 14 and had 12 there that night—turns out nobody wants to be at home while it’s freezing.

I asked the bartender for a Founder’s Breakfast Stout and took in the bar’s scene.

The place has about six tables and a pool table with a chalkboard that reads ‘Free Pool Monday’. Sweet, too bad it’s not Monday. But good for future reference.

You could tell it was a couple playing pool, seeing how the two playing were giving each other kisses after every made shot…definitely not normal pool night protocol. Either way, the dude playing could hit water if he jumped out of a boat, and the girls was…just bad. Which was good, I wasn’t in the mood for billiards.

On the television North Carolina was playing Duke. Yes football, both schools do play football. 

Which the rather drunk gentlemen to my left was in total disbelief over.

‘How can a school like North Carolina and Duke have football teams, that doesn’t make any sense?’ 

At this point he was tapping me on the shoulder, so I’m guessing he wanted me to contribute the conversation.

I explained to him that both schools are Division I schools, so it really isn’t all that far-fetched that they play football. Even if they are not that good.

But, being the sports reporter that I am, I had to take it further—why, I don’t know. I knew he was drunk, I knew he was an asshole, but I just had to talk about sports with somebody. I was weak.

I was explaining that Duke (at the time) was on top of its division in the ACC, and that this game actually had some meaning.

‘Shut up, you are wrong. That’s not right.’ Luckily for me, the dude’s friend who was sitting on his left pulled out his smartphone and confirmed what I said.

‘Well that’s just stupid, look at them, they’re Duke’. Granted Duke was losing 20-7, so that is fair to say that they aren’t really that good.

Oh my God. I just realized that I’m talking about Duke at Duke’s. How did I miss that? It’s almost meta. Meta-Duke, that’s a word now. I’m making that a word, take that, Shakespeare.

At this point I asked for a food menu and ordered up a bacon cheeseburger with onion rings on it. 

Yeah, once you see that on the menu, it’s pointless to resists.

The two were still going on about college football, and the man next to me asked what I would do to fix the University of Michigan football program.

I replied: Nothing, I like the program that way that it is now-losing.

He then accused me of being an Ohio State final, and I corrected him, noting that I was Notre Dame fan.

“Fuck you and everything you believe in.” Well, turns out the guy does not like Notre Dame, and he wanted me to know that.

“You know what is wrong with people like you?” Well, this could go a thousand different places.

“You’re not in a conference.” Oh, that’s where we are going; good. Was worried this was actually going to be serious for a second.

‘You all don’t play in a conference, and you just schedule a bunch of weak teams.”

“Yeah, you’re right. We even scheduled Michigan. They’re noticeably terrible.”

He didn’t like my comeback. But he did shut up for a while so I could eat my burger.

I did tell him that Notre Dame was in the ACC for every other sport, save ice hockey, but the man insisted I was wrong and they are independent for everything.

At this point I didn’t know if the man was just drunk or stupid. Both? It’s normally both.

The two eventually cleared out and I was left by myself at the end of the bar. I ordered a New Holland Ichabod.

I started thinking as to why not as many people like Duke’s and they do the bar’s neighbors. The place seems really relaxed, but you have a hard time figuring out just what kind of bar it is.

You see. All bars have a certain feel to them. Being a dive bar, home-like bar, sports bar, dance bar, whatever. But Duke’s seems to be a place that doesn’t know what it wants to me, so it tries to mix everything. One of those things where if you try to please everybody, it makes nobody happy.

The bar has some nice widescreen TVs for watching sports, but the food menu seems a little off for a sports bar. But the walls and looks of the place don’t quite have a home-bar like feeling to it, it just seems like an odd mix.

Granted, that’s necessarily a terrible thing. Maybe the bar is what you make of it. The place has about six craft beers on tap and it is plenty spacious so you aren’t right on top of the group next you and in on their conversation (which is bad if you are looking to do some casual eavesdropping…not that I do that or anything).

Two of the four televisions had ESPN on, while another had ABC (seriously, who watches ABC) and another had MSNBC. MSNBC? At a bar? It’s not unheard of to have news at the bar, but it is usually CNN or sometimes (gulp) FoxNews. But even those with left-leaning political persuasions have to admit that MSNBC is just now what you see at a bar, for whatever reason.

OK, weird sidebar: Heckler: ‘Sidebar’ hell, this entire blog is nothing but a sidebar.

MSNBC’s motto is ‘Lean Forward’. Cute, I know. A plan on that whole ‘progressive’ idea (if progressives realized that they are Whigs in disguise, then they will freak out and go straight to the bar to order hard liquor. That would make me smile. It will also mean they can come back to the party after defecting in 1912, cowards). Anyway, I keep thinking of all the MSNBC anchors leaning forward, towards the camera while broadcasting the news. And anybody at the MSNBC who is caught leaning back is immediately terminated—that’s how they got Olbermann.

The bartenders were really nice and didn’t comment on how I look too young to buy a drink, always appreciated if you are short and tired of people telling you look like you’re 18.

Duke’s is probably a good place if you are in pair or only 3-4 friends. They have a solid selection of burgers and sandwiches and a craft beer selection that is not that impressive by Grand Rapids standards, but would be good anywhere else.

I settled my tab and put on my coat, cap and gloves: Got to love Michigan winter, right?

So what if the bar doesn’t know what it wants to be, a lot of people don’t know what they want. And maybe this is the place for them. Take it from a guy who drinks by himself and then goes home to write about it.

Overall a good experience.

Seriously, watch Duke at Dukes. I can’t be the only one who thought of that was funny,

Or maybe I’m just that out there.